What (not) to wear for a ride

What (not) to wear for a ride

What to wear for a ride is a pretty straightforward process, isn’t it? You simply put on your cleanest, least holey pair of jodhpurs, add a polo shirt, boots and a hat and you’re good to go – right? Right? OK, it may not be as simple as that….

Bras

It’s not a widely discussed condition, but boobache is a common problem among showjumpers – because when Snowy’s flying over that upright, his rider’s boobs are flying along with him, and when Snowy lands, said boobs also land. With a bump. A good sports bra is as essential a piece of kit for the fuller-chested rider as a well-fitting hat.

Unfortunately, the importance of keeping those Double Ds well-protected is something novices learn through bitter experience – so watch out at your local riding school for the unlucky middle-aged learner rider whose breasts are swinging like hammocks as she gamely tries to master rising trot. Actually, don’t watch, it’s kinder.

Jodhpurs

For riders, jodhpurs are practical things that enable you to get on and off your horse without your trousers ripping at the crotch. (That only ever happens at shows, usually, while you’re dismounting so the showing judge can ride Snowy.) There’s nothing sexy about them, especially when accessorised with a green smear where Snowy wiped his mouth on your thigh.

For much of the rest of the world – particularly the non-horsey male half of it, whose only knowledge of riding comes through flicking through their partner’s copy of Jilly Cooper’s Riders – jodhpurs are deeply erotic. Your partner may well pester you, just as you’re about to leave for the yard. Unfortunately, a flick with the riding crop may have the opposite effect to the one you’re looking for…

Bling

It's a well-known fact in the equestrian world that, like magpies, show jumpers can’t resist anything that sparkles. They come away from the shopping village at Burghley and Badminton with bags stuffed full of glittery jackets, glittery hats, and glittery headcollars (to quiet “harumphs” of disapproval from the showing crowd, who are forking out for a sturdy tweed coat that will do them for the next 20 years). 

Now, there’s nothing wrong with a bit of bling. Unless you’re the person riding in the school after them, only to find it’s covered in more lost sequins than the dressing room for RuPaul’s Drag Race.

Pants

You wouldn’t think, as a rider, that the pants you wear are of any importance. And they’re not – most of the time. Unless you’re wearing white jods. We’ve all been to shows where we’ve been unable to take our eyes off that rider doing a super-fast clear round – not because of her on-point riding skills, but because her red thong is flashing through her thin white jods. 

Never, ever size down in a pair of white jods – well, not unless you want the whole world to know that you still wear My Little Pony pants.🤣